But Seriously...

Worst First Date Story>>>>

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it.
This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!
We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake.
This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays.




This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno.
Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...
and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside
Salt Lake City , Utah . It was a day trip (no overnight). They were
strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that
she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going,
there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road,
or it would be the front seat of his car 

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.
All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.
It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.




Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with
a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place,
both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down...
or perhaps that should be "pants down." ..And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment . "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.

So, I finally bought the house.   Lovin' it BIG time!   Way better place, neighborhood, and I really enjoy it!!   Just got the internet up and running a couple of days ago, so I'm doing good. 

 

Well, this is a short one, as I am having trouble keeping my eyes open....

 

 

Muuuuuuuuuuuust Sleeeeeeeeeeeeep...

 

Moving is so much damn work

So I'm in the market to buy a house.  I've heard that the "bubble" is bursting and that it is becoming a buyer's market.  Cool for me.  I'm not selling anything, only buying.  Nice.  If it's truly becoming a buyer's market, though, we should be able to get a steal from the deal.  The only hassle I've seen in the whole process is the lenders dragging their damn feet.  Look, if you don't want to lend me the mortgage, tell me.  Don't keep me hangin on, waiting for a yes or no answer.  If they don't want to be paid gazillions in interest over the next 30 years of my life, then I'm sure that some bank will.  Only difference is who I make the check out to each month.  Maybe a little different in interest rates, but tell me yes or no already.  Geez.

Is it just me, or are the movies they have released this summer been quite lame.  I don't think this will be a year to remember and say, "Wow!  2006 just ROCKED the box office!"  I was disappointed with many of the movies that I thought were gonna be true blockbusters.  Supperman was okay.  Just okay.  And am I the only one who totally hates the new Lois Lane?  One could land a 727 on her damn forehead.   Anyone else could have done just as good a job acting.  Cast someone from a toothpaste commercial and they'd have done as well.  Probably better.

 

I don't want to give up all hope for the entire season, yet, though.  Because there are still a few movies that I have high hopes for.  I still haven't seen Clerks II, and I'm expecting a lot from that comedy about NASCAR.  If anyone sees these movies before I do, let me know what you think and whether or not I should even waste my time and money. 

 

Something totally off the wall:  Don't waste your time eating fiber (which tastes nasty) to stay regular.  Taco Bell works just as well.   Excuse me... I gotta make a run for the can- er um, border.

Since my last entry about beer was liked by many, (okay not many readers, but my favorite ones- the ones that count) I decided to add a little fable about beer in this entry.

 

 

 

Today is the official first day of summer, and that has something to do with me being somewhat MIA at the ole' blog board.  The sun and pool are calling.  Calling hard.  Sometimes even kidnapping me and keeping me from work.  Oh well. 

 

Don't forget to take some summer precautions, though.  Make sure you've got a heavy duty cooler or the like with ice and nice cold beer.  This is essential for outdoor activities.  Grilling and barbequeing also requires that you have a nice cold beer.  You could even forget the condiments, or the bread, or hell, even the meat and the barbeque will still be salvaged as long as you remember the damn beer.  So find your coleman, write your name on it in permanent marker like a cheesy boy scout does at camp, throw the beer in it and pour on the ice. 

 

That brings up another essential lesson:  put beer in first, then pour the ice on top.  Many ametuers fill the cooler with ice and then try to dig little wholes and put the beer in.  Or they will do the timeless "drilling" manuver with a beer can and try to drill the beer into the ice.  If you see a helpless fool trying any of these, please come to the resque and offer assistance.  They are loosing precious beer drinking summer time and may be stuck there drilling for as long as thirty minutes just wasting this sweet, sweet time.

I've been tagged.  Could someone look at my tag and tell me, does it say " XL" ?   I really hope it doesn't.  I've been following the care instructions for staying in the original "S" size that I prefer.  It's just that the intense care involved takes up so much of my time that I hardly have time for blogging. 

 

 

Okay, so nice of Jiggly to add me to her list of victims.  And I'm sorry, but I'm against tagging others, so think of this as a cool quiz, and just do it if you want and haven't done it yet.  Let me know if you do it.

 

The rules are to pick 8 things about a "perfect" lover that you would dream up and mention the 8 things about them you point out.  (I put the perfect in quotes not only because I love Dr. Evil, but because there never can be a perfect lover.)  But if there was, mine would be kind of like this...

 

1.  He would be a he.

 

2. He would be able to speak clearly to me without lying or backtracking or forgetting what he said beforehand or changing what he said beforehand.  This communication issue would also include his being able to understand me without he and I having to repeat one another mundanely.   Men seem to forget what everyone else (including other men) say unless it includes the words "food"  or "beer" or "the game" or anything sex related.  Pretty much all else will be forgotten or remembered incorrectly.

 

3.  He would try to look decent.  I don't mean constantly grooming himself like Seacrest or ooing and aahing over himself like some of those self possessed asses that you see kissing their biceps in the mirror at the gym.  Just try to shave regularly, use deodorant, cutting toenails is a biggie.  You know, shit like dat.

 

4.  He would know when to shut the hell up.  This is just as big as the communication issue.  A good thing is only good in moderation.  At times, we women don't want to hear the chit chat either.  I know, right?!  Surprise, surprise.  Sometimes quiet is way cool with us.

 

5.  He would give me foot rubs without me having to put out for it.

 

6.  He would give me jewelry without me having to put out for it.

 

7.  He would pretty much not expect me to put out for any treats or goodies.  These goodies are now considered "the norm".

 

8.  He would have an internal clock that would magically tell him when I wanted sex and would pretty much leave me alone when that clock says that his chances are worse than that of a snowball's in hell.  And vice versa, be harder than a rock, and on me like a ghetto ho on a twenty when the clock said "go".

 

 

There ya go, sweet Jiggles.  I wouldn't do this for just anybody, but you and me go back a bit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry I don't have a great deal to update on right now.  I went to the theme park as planned, and rode damn near everything that wasn't tied down.  I think I even rode a huge lady that I mistook her rear end for a train.  Oops.  My bad.  Made for a great photo.

 

Have an awesome week, everyone!!